


here i stand today

by awesomems



Series: perceived loss [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Grief/Mourning, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Past Character Death, Past Suicide Attempt, Post-Captain America: The First Avenger, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, but he still thinks he's dead, from bucky
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-30
Updated: 2020-05-30
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:08:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24460312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/awesomems/pseuds/awesomems
Summary: steve has never been very good at coping with grief.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Series: perceived loss [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2099943
Comments: 2
Kudos: 20





	here i stand today

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this after rewatching avengers 2012, and i also rewatched endgame recently so get ready for something on that.
> 
> title is the meaning of one of the 72 names of g-d in judaism and, according to [kabbalahnames.com](http://www.kabbalahnames.com/%D7%94%D7%94%D7%A2.html), represents love and i also thought of it as him being in the future.

steve misses him.

he’s never been very good at coping with grief. there were always too many neighborhood kids to count ― little paulie avery was the first one that came to mind ― who caught something, usually pneumonia, or sometimes polio, and couldn’t shake it, and couldn’t afford a doctor. there was his ma, who helped a patient in her ward without personal protection (she could’ve waited until she had it, but then he could’ve died), and passed herself within a few days. 

all this death, and instead of even attempting to process it, he locked it away in a little box in his brain, never to be opened. but bucky, bucky’s death was too big to lock away. everyday, those screams haunted him, he rethought every moment, so sure there was some way he could’ve saved him. so, when given the opportunity to make it all stop, he takes it. the pain was too much, and he couldn’t stomach going back to new york, not when he and bucky’d made plans on what they would do when they got out. if he would never get out, then neither would steve.

but here he is, the year apparently being 2012, which didn’t even sound real. disbelief and confusion were probably the first emotions he felt upon waking up, but grief was a close second. he’s stressed, and he doesn’t know what to  _ do _ , how to  _ continue _ , what with his number one reason for living long gone. 

he looks through boxes of old war memorabilia and photos, and there was the one where bucky looked serious. he looked like a soldier, which was all wrong. yes, bucky had the best marksmanship skills in the unit by far, but he hated fighting. he hated the war, thought it was pointless, and before he was turned into a fighter by the american war machine, bucky barnes was a lover. 

he loved music, so he taught himself to play the piano. he loved to dance, which is why he always convinced steve to go on those double dates with him, even though he’d much rather be dancing with steve in their living room, which happened just as often, to be fair. he loved to learn, and he dreamed of the day he would save up enough money for college tuition, or the day he could come back home and use his g.i. bill benefits for college. he loved his family, he stayed close with them, and he loved his faith. he loved steve, and he loved when he could love him out in the open, even though that was a rare and long trip to upper manhattan. while the military memorialized a man who died “for his country”, steve would always remember the one who loved and cared with his entire being. 

grief is just love with nowhere to go, and his heart is so full. he misses the man who only needed to send him one look, one smile to make him weak in the knees. he misses the man who would pose for steve’s art without question, who listened to the radio and liked to talk about how every song reminded him of steve. he misses the man with soft lips, rough but gentle hands, and who unraveled at steve’s slightest touch. 

the 21st century is jarring, but what makes it worse was that it seems like everyone he meets has some exaggerated, embellished story of the hero captain america in their heads, and he misses the man who saw him for who he truly was, and loved him unconditionally through it. he misses the little things that he adored, and even the things he did that drove him up the wall, because it was bucky. he misses being close with someone, but he could never even imagine being that close to someone who wasn’t bucky. he doesn’t want to think about how 70 years in ice messed up his aging, because he doesn’t want to live the rest of his life, however long that may be, without bucky, after a week already felt like eternity. 

he misses bucky and he doesn’t know what to do.

  
  
  


  
  


**Author's Note:**

> kudos and comments are greatly appreciated!


End file.
